All great seducers are articulate, and verbal communication is the surest road to successful seduction. Think of how you felt in a past relationship where communication was present and healthy compared to how you felt in relationships with no expressive communication. Didn’t you attain more intimacy thanks to good communication? To become mindful of what we trigger in others with our words and deeds, we need to master and practice practical one-on-one communication skills.
Do you get tongue-tied when speaking to someone, especially someone in whom you are interested? Besides public speaking, one-on-one communication situations are one of the most common fears. It’s not an ungrounded fear: even with excellent communication skills, the spark that cements the relationship may still not exist. Various experts have theorized about the nature of that spark and how it is achieved in relationships. Much of their work has led to this crucial behavior: learn to keep quiet and resist the urge to interrupt your partner with solutions. This change alone will dramatically enhance your relationship.
“Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better.”
– William Shakespeare
Interpretation of the Sexes
Men and women are different—we’ve known this from a very early age. Men feel they can fix any situation and have no qualms about offering their fix-it solutions during a conversation. When a woman initiates a conversation about her troubles but does not seem interested in a solution, her man may believe she is trying to irritate him. Men may not instinctively understand the differences between various language approaches because they tend to use language primarily to make a point.
When you learn to listen, you automatically become a better conversationalist. Learn to listen patiently and not just passively; this is the line between striving to solve someone’s problems and acting as if they don’t matter, a new place in communication for many men. A man’s overwhelming desire to help his woman is precisely what causes that woman to feel like she’s not being listened to. It also causes her to feel like she is unimportant, except as a puzzle to be solved.
For one day, pay attention to the way you listen. Ask yourself these questions throughout the week, as you interact with others: Am I listening only to the words being said, or also to what is beneath the words? Am I listening only to the beginning of my friend or partner’s monolog, or am I sticking it out to the end? Am I listening to find a way to respond, or to get my turn? Am I listening for myself or us? Am I listening with my intellect only or with my heart?.
Topical Communication Choices
Encourage your conversational partner to open up and talk about whatever they enjoy—careers, hobbies, and interests are great places to start. You can also utilize your surroundings as a way to strike up a conversation. At a coffee house, ask them if they have tried the caramel latte with whipped cream. At the gym, ask them if they have found a particular exercise useful.
Avoid heavy subjects early on. Politics, crime, and other serious topics are out, at least until you’ve comfortably progressed to that level. To make a great impression, learn to ask questions and then genuinely listen to the answers, even if they are not on topics you are generally interested in. Indulging them in sharing their thoughts and feelings is a great way to win them over. To be fun, engaging, and humorous you, try telling a story to captivate their senses. Learn to make them feel.
Leave compliments out of an initial conversation, because compliments make people uncomfortable. When you compliment someone you do not know, all you can focus on is how they look. Saying they have beautiful eyes is nice enough, but the person has no control over this. They were born that way. Many people feel uncomfortable when attention is drawn to their appearance.
Eventually, you will divulge a little more personal information about yourself—do not do it during the first couple of dates. Make a person feel comfortable with you, then strongly attracted to you. Eventually, it won’t matter what you say when they ask you deep, probing questions.
When it does come time to start sharing a little more about your life, start with questions with some mystical quality to the answers. If a friend asked you to lie on a job recommendation, would you? Questions like this help them evaluate your relationships with your friends. Are you most likely to be guilty of gluttony, lust, rage, jealousy, sloth, greed, or pride? Vices are surprisingly attractive, particularly to women, who believe they can “fix” their man. What’s the most challenging part of being virtuous? Tell them about your virtues, too!
Patience is the Key
Most seduction ploys require perfect timing. That doesn’t mean every single minute of your time, together and apart, is accounted for; instead, it means you must intuitively look for the precise time to make your move.
A few, less successful seduction ploys require you to rush in and not give them time to think or even breathe, the “falling for you” ploy. This can be smothering and off-putting. Do not let the other person know you desire them first. This puts the ball in their court and allows you to settle back and be yourself. Patience is the key.
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