All great seducers are articulate, and verbal communication is the surest road to a successful seduction. Think of how you felt in a past relationship where communication was present and healthy, in comparison to how you felt in relationships where there was no expressive communication. Didn’t you attain more intimacy thanks to good communication? In order to become mindful of what we trigger in others with our words and deeds, we need to master and practice effective one-on-one communication skills.
Do you get tongue-tied when speaking to someone, especially someone in whom you are interested? Besides public speaking, one-on-one communication situations are one of the most common fears. It’s not an ungrounded fear: even with great communication skills, the spark that cements the relationship may still not exist. Various experts have theorized about the nature of that spark and how it is achieved in relationships. Much of their work has led to this crucial behavior: learn to keep quiet and resist the urge to interrupt your partner with solutions. This change alone will dramatically enhance your relationship.
“Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better.”
– William Shakespeare
Pay close attention to the type of talker your are. There are many types of talkers: smooth talker, shit talker, big talker, windtalker, sweet talker, and trash talker, to name a few. In our experiences, each type of talker we’ve encountered has left an impression on us, whether positive and negative. Know what kind of talker you are and how that impacts the people you speak with.
Interpretation of the Sexes
Men and women are different—we’ve known this from a very early age. Men feel they can fix any situation, and have no qualms about offering their fix-it solutions during a conversation. When a woman initiates a conversation about her troubles but does not seem interested in a solution, her man may believe she is trying to irritate him. Men may not instinctively understand the differences between various language approaches because they tend to use language primarily as a way to make a point.
Women feel a need to share and express their feelings; this is an effort to draw closer to and experience greater intimacy with their partner. This is how women join their soul with their partner’s. Talking is part of sharing feelings and thoughts, without requiring solutions or judgments. Men lust with the eyes, while women lust with their ears! The infamous Battle of the Sexes often occurs over miscommunications and misunderstandings regarding conversation.
Men and women express themselves in distinctive ways and interpret the meanings of others’ words—spoken and unspoken—in different ways, resulting in different responses. We must embrace the differences while tuning into our significant other’s style to improve our communication, caring, and understanding.
Put your newfound knowledge and understanding to work, while remembering that men and women aren’t really from different planets, even when it sees that way at times. Remember that issues of ego, pride, and pain arises from thinking negatively about your partner. Effective communication, action, and adjustments are needed when we encounter anger, insults, bickering, humiliation, or other hurtful patterns. Words are clues to a person’s emotional state and reveal what is really on their mind, so listen closely when your lover speaks. We cannot fight our own biology and chemicals, so embrace your communication style and do your best to understand its inherent nature. We are different.
Pictures and Silence
People who use mainly picture words—including metaphors and similes—will fully understand an issue more clearly if you also use visual expressions to clarify your point, and it will be music to their ears if you use words that resonate with them. If your conversation partner tends to use mainly feeling words, they will feel more comfortable if you reciprocate when you are helping them to understand. To make your written communication richer, use a mix of words that appeal to different senses, as well as the full range of human emotion.
An important ingredient of any relationship is a willingness to listen to what your partner is actually saying, not just expecting to hear what you want to hear. We must be listening even in those moments when desire and affection are silently expressed.
When you learn to listen, you automatically become a better conversationalist. Learn to listen patiently and not just passively; this is the line between striving to solve someone’s problems and acting as if they don’t matter, a new place in communication for many men. A man’s overwhelming desire to help his woman is exactly what causes that woman to feel like she’s not being listened to. It also causes her to feel like she is unimportant, except as a puzzle to be solved.
For one day, pay attention to the way you listen. Ask yourself these questions throughout the week, as you interact with others: Am I listening only to the words being said, or also to what is beneath the words? Am I listening only to the beginning of my friend or partner’s monolog, or am I sticking it out to the end? Am I listening to find a way to respond, or to get my turn? Am I listening for myself, or for us? Am I listening with my intellect only, or with my heart?
The secret to being an intriguing conversationalist, in high demand at any party or social gathering, is nothing more complicated than developing a knack for asking open-ended questions. Begin your sentences with one of the six W’s—where, what, when, why, which, or who—or how or if. Sentences that begin with these words become questions that must be answered fully, far past a simple yes or no. These are conversation starters, and will engage your conversational partner in a discussion beyond awkward nods and smiles.
Encourage your conversational partner to open up and talk about whatever they enjoy—careers, hobbies, and interests are great places to start. You can also utilize your surroundings as a way to strike up a conversation. At a coffee house, ask them if they have tried the caramel latte with whipped cream. At the gym, ask them if they have found a particular exercise useful.
Avoid heavy subjects early on. Politics, crime, and other serious topics are out, at least until you’ve comfortably progressed to that level. To make a great impression, learn to ask questions and then genuinely listen to the answers, even if they are not on topics you are normally interested in hearing about. Indulging them in sharing their thoughts and feelings is a great way to win them over. To be fun, interesting, and humorous you, try telling a story to captivate their senses. Learn to make them feel.
Leave compliments out of an initial conversation, because compliments make people uncomfortable. When you compliment someone you do not know, all you can focus on is how he or she looks. Saying they have beautiful eyes is nice enough, but the person has no control over this. They were born that way. Many people feel uncomfortable when attention is drawn to their appearance.
Do not bring up your ex during a conversation or mention how hurt your feelings were due to a former relationship. Keep the past in the past. Do not talk about your crazy cousin, your sister’s three ill-behaved children, your mother’s bad habits or your father’s drinking addiction. Your date is not a therapist and does not need to hear about your family problems, at least not during your initial connection.
It is okay to talk about your job. People in our society are defined by what they do, so your date will inevitably talk about your career or at least bring it up. Don’t talk about how much money you make. Let them do the research about your profession; make them hunt for the answer to the mysterious clues you leave behind about yourself. You can use this mystical element to your advantage.
Communication extends to technology, too. Your answering machine message is like a small package deal of yourself, so keep it interesting—come up with an emotionally intelligent, interesting, and upbeat message! People are bored by drab, bland messages, so give your packaging some thought. When recording your voicemail, play some soft music in the background. If you put some effort and creativity into your messages, you’ll see a big difference in the numbers and calls you get. Even your social media pages should have intriguing descriptions of yourself that portray your emotional intelligence.
Eventually, you will divulge a little more personal information about yourself—just do not do it during the first couple of dates. Make a person feel comfortable with you, then strongly attracted to you. Eventually, it won’t matter what you say when they ask you deep, probing questions.
When it does come time to start sharing a little more about your life, start with questions that have some mystical quality to the answers. If a friend asked you to lie on a job recommendation, would you? Questions like this help them evaluate your relationships with your friends. Which are you most likely to be guilty of gluttony, lust, rage, jealousy, sloth, greed or pride? Vices are surprisingly attractive, particularly to women, who believe they can “fix” their man. What’s the hardest part of being virtuous? Tell them about your virtues, too!
What’s your perfect Sunday? In other words, how would you like to spend the weekend with me? Questions can indicate so much more than what is on the surface! What’s the bottle in your cellar that you’re most looking forward to drinking? Explore each other’s personal tastes in fine dining and drinking. If you could have a private tour and lunch with the vintner of any winery in the world, who would you choose? Share your dreams of adventure for a great spark of mystery and surprise.
Which region of the country has the best food? Personal opinions about food are great ways to connect. If you could learn any language, what would you choose to speak and why? Maybe you’ll find a task you can share together.
Patience is the Key
Most seduction ploys require perfect timing. That doesn’t mean every single minute of your time, together and apart, is accounted for; rather, it means you must intuitively look for the precise time to make your move.
A few, less successful seduction ploys require you to rush in and not give them time to think or even breathe, the “falling for you” ploy. This can be smothering and off-putting. Do not let the other person know you desire them first. This puts the ball in their court and allows you settle back and be yourself. Patience is the key.
Women are reactive to the interpersonal meanings that lie “amidst the lines” in the messages they exchange. That is, social assumptions often make women accountable for controlling intimacy, or how close they allow others to draw near. For that cause, it is argued that women pay more notice than men to the underlying meanings about intimacy that messages point to. Men to a greater extent than women are more perceptive to “between the lines meanings” about status.
The Obsession Phrases is a relationship program designed to help women make that connection with the man of their dreams using the power of communication.